When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.