When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
This was a bad idea all around
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*has no idea what a book even is*
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
