When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The chart results are in…
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
first you must answer his riddles
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
