When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
