When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees