When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Good morning y’all ☀️
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA