When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
This is my pinned tweet
