When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?