When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A friend helps you before you need it
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”