Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

The glory of fall.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.