Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

man i love columbo

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed