When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
i really liked this one
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!