When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty