non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Festive toon…
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.