when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Clients after you give them your rates
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
God, I love Scotland
based
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…