Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Tuesday

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?