when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself