When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”