When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Favourite diary entry ever
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
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