When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.