Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Thank heavens for community notes

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?