when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Stop sending me this shit.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.