When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.