When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
No.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.