When your best mate counts as a desk too
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When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”