When your best mate counts as a desk too
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I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
No laws when master is gone
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”