Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.