Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Breakfast for Stoners:

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school