When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!