When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.