When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*