Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.