When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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I’m listening
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.