When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
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at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now