Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

called in thicc to work this morning

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.