When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My inexpensive home security system…
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god