When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed