Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

went fishing caught a bass

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

🧠

My brain is a bad influence on me

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes