When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.