When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I hope they boil the right one.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.