When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here