Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

apparently this year was written by stephen king