When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*


Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator


Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being


I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.


“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll


#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.


8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?

Me: that’s purely speculation


My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace


NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05