When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.