The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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Does the “Dirty Dancing” lift to the pizza delivery guy.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?
Me: that’s purely speculation
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05