Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

@delusions_of

Does the “Dirty Dancing” lift to the pizza delivery guy.

@donni

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

@BigJDubz

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

@iGreenMonk

I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@TheMichaelRock

8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?

Me: that’s purely speculation

@danielmarven

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

@Sickayduh

NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05