Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.