When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Meanwhile in Canada…
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old