When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?