When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
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My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life