When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
