Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

I think we should hear other voices.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.