When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Never be a pizza!
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes