When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*