When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
🤣
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
A friend sent me this.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.