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me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Friends that check up on you >
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.