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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
This is what makes twitter great
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
this article brought to you by lions
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.