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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
new dr. seuss book dropping:
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..