When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too