When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies