Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Good morning

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams