Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.