When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Cheers Twitter.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I had to Stop for this
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.