Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Okay this one takes it home

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.