Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

How do you milk an almond?

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.