You Might Also Like
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
