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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese