When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
good morning
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
