When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good