Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.