When your diet is finally over.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat