When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
gm
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.