Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Is anyone gonna tell them?

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*