When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Erm…
