When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
You Might Also Like
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When you’ve simply given up.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I’ve had worse
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out