When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
good morning
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to