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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference