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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Not all heroes wear capes…
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.