Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries