when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
President The Rock Obama
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No